


fine line

by ofrainyskiesandviolets



Series: derry girls: trying to be pretty canon in between episodes [4]
Category: Derry Girls (TV)
Genre: Discussion of sexual assault, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:34:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23180032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofrainyskiesandviolets/pseuds/ofrainyskiesandviolets
Summary: Post 1x4Clare has a feeling that there was something very wrong with James and Katya's relationship (if you could even call it that). James, as reluctant as he is to admit it, seems to agree.
Series: derry girls: trying to be pretty canon in between episodes [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1615570
Comments: 8
Kudos: 75





	fine line

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: conversations of sexual assault, because Katya jumping James like that was messed up.

Clare is almost glad when Erin breaks up James’ budding relationship with Katya. She doesn’t even know why Erin did it, and it’s not like she has any romantic ties to James (obviously), but it still makes her relieved. James is pissed, obviously, but he doesn’t seem to be upset over losing Katya, only over Erin’s interference. 

She honestly isn’t even sure if James has genuinely liked Katya. The first kiss had been very abrupt and one-sides, and Clare wishes she and the girls had stopped it—it had seemed like a sort of sexual assault, and that made her stomach squirm. Foreign or not, Katya had had no right to force herself onto James like that. 

As they all walk home, James lingers behind, shuffling languidly with his hands shoved in his pockets. Clare falls back and into step with him. He barely glances at her. 

“Are you okay James?” He shrugs, staying silent, staring down at the ground. Clare looks at him and he looks… sad. “Did you really like Katya that much?” He shrugs again; he won’t even look at her. Clare has a feeling that something is wrong, and she’s determined to drag it out of him. The whole situation hasn’t sat well with her, and Clare has never been one to keep quiet about her concerns. 

“Did you actually like her? She was weird,” Clare says, quickly adding, “Not because she’s foreign.” James manages a short laugh at her natural apprehension, and it makes her feel a little better that he had a reaction, she doesn’t even care that she’s the butt of the joke (it’s in good nature anyway—in the past few weeks, Clare has deduced that James would never be mean, at least not purposely). Clare uses that moment of opening up to her advantage. 

“Are you really upset over Katya, or is it something else?” James takes a moment to contemplate this, and Clare can hear their other friends chattering ahead the footpath. 

“I don’t think I’m upset over losing Katya… I’m more just frustrated that Erin got into it. I don’t even know why she did.” Clare didn’t either at first, but then she remembered how awkward and almost downright uncomfortable the relationship had been. 

“Because it sort of seemed like Katya… you know, forced herself on you?” Clare doesn’t want to overstep her boundaries, but she doesn’t want James to be mad at Erin, because she knew her heart was in the right place. James stays quiet, unwilling to reply to the gentle accusation. “Did you even want her to kiss you that first time?” He just shrugs, though Clare can tell from his body language that the answer is probably no. It fortifies her regret over not pulling them apart. 

“James, if someone does something you don’t like, you have a right to stop them.” James shrugs again (she really wishes he’d stop shrugging), hesitantly answering. Clare doesn’t fully understand why he didn’t, but she supposed that’s a lucky thing, because she hasn’t been in a situation of sexual assault and she never wants to be. Though it may have seemed pretty mild at first, assault was assault and if James didn’t want that, then it was completely wrong. Her stomach turns at the thought that her friend got jumped on right in front of her and a whole group, and they didn’t help out, even when she called the potentially dark connotations out. 

“I know… I should’ve stopped her, I just… I was caught off guard, and I felt kind of dumb for being so freaked out, because any guy would love to be kissed like that, so it was kind of like it would’ve been unreasonable and mean to pull away.” James sounds hesitant and ashamed and it breaks Clare’s heart to hear the lad talking so miserably. She had tried not to think of the implications of Katya’s behavior over the past few days, choosing to ignore the niggling thought in the back of her head that it wasn’t right for her to get away with the things she did, but it was impossible to get it to go away, and she wishes she had called it out sooner. 

“Only you get to decide what you’re comfortable with. It’s not mean to set boundaries, James.” 

“I know, I should’ve stopped her, I don’t know what I was thinking.” 

“We could’ve stopped her too.” Clare hasn’t known him for long, but she’s come to care for him, and she doesn’t like the way he’s putting all the blame on himself. She wishes his mam was a better person, maybe then he’d have someone he felt more comfortable turning to on his own terms, without being badgered by a persistent blonde that they didn’t know very well. 

“It’s not your job,” he mumbles. 

“Of course it is. You’re our friend, and the issue never should’ve come up in the first place. None of it’s your fault, it’s on Katya. She chose to come onto you like that.” 

“I think… I think I’m just… lonely. Even though it didn’t feel right, I think I thought it would be nice… to feel wanted… cared for.” The notion is incredibly sad. Clare wants to scoop James up and take away whatever hurt he’s feeling. She’s come to consider him a good friend, even if it hasn’t been very long. She doesn’t know what to say. 

“Am I, Clare?” James is finally looking at her, and seeing her not getting it, he elaborated, “Your friend?” She startles. She wasn’t expecting that, though she guesses they haven’t made it easy for him to tell. 

“Of course you are. I’m not glad your mam left, but I’m glad you came to Derry. It’s nice having you here.” James smiles and looks at his feet. They’re silent for the rest of the journey home, the only sound in the night air being footsteps and the other girls’ giggles drifting from up the street. It’s a comfortable silence, the kind you only get with someone you feel really comfortable with, and it makes Clare happy that it isn’t awkward and strained. She really meant it––it is nice having James around. He’s a good counter to their craziness. A little weird, rough around the edges and quiet, but also endlessly kind, smart and caring. Clare is certain that she can see the rest of the group become a bit more empathetic, even in this little bit of time. Positive change, having the English prick around, really. She can’t deny it.

They get to the Mallon’s house first; Deirdre has forgotten to turn the porch light on, and the house is shrouded in darkness, fallen into the shadows of the tall Derry buildings surrounding it. Michelle waits outside the gate for James to go ahead of her, saying she’s not going to be the first to enter in case there’s some psycho killer in there.  
“Oi, hurry up, dickhead!” 

“Christ, I’m coming Michelle!” James yells back to her. He then says to Clare, quietly, “Thanks.” He’s walking the rest of the length up the road before she even has a chance to reply, but she doesn’t think he’d appreciate her yelling her response in front of the other girls, and decides he probably gets the message anyway. James and Michelle rib each other the entire way into the house, and probably even after the door shuts. One of them flicks on the outside lights, and the house becomes much less frightening against the dark sky, casting warm glows across the front lawn. 

Erin and Orla stand patiently waiting for her to catch up, she hurries and falls into stride with them, enjoying these calm after-party-moments with her friends more than any days of drinking and “trying” to shag boys. 

“What did you and James talk about for so long, Clare?” Erin’s always been inquisitive (honestly, more like downright nosy), and as much as Clare wants someone to share in the weight of responsibility she feels for it all, she doesn’t want to betray the trust she just earned with James. 

“Nothing much. Katya, you know.” She’s never been much of a liar, but the half-truth sounds convincing enough. It’s much easier to just beat around the bush and hope they don’t prod. 

“Oh, is he still mad at me for all that?” Erin sounds quite sad and concerned, and it makes Clare smile a bit, being able to tell she’s not the only one who actually kind of cares about James. Empathy runs amuck, and it makes her happy.

“No, I don’t think so, Erin.” 

“I really was trying to help.” She smiles, placing her hand on her friend’s shoulder.

“I know. You did.”

**Author's Note:**

> The relationship between Katya and James never sat right with me, and it seemed like it didn't with Clare either.  
> Title is from Harry Styles lol


End file.
